The “Rache” is so 30 minutes ago. Drinkers in the know say "Bottoms up!" with Chef Ramsay!

On potty-mouthed prodigies, non-professional brand-diluted hucksters, and witty couch potatoes. (Or, Ramsay, Ray, and me.)

It may just be my drink talking, but I think I need another drink…Okay, that’s better. Now, where was I? Oh yes, drinking. And TV viewing. And cooking, of course. And drinking whilst viewing shows about cooking. While watching Hell’s Kitchen tonight, it struck me that we are sitting on a potential gold-mine of excuses to imbibe. How could I have missed it so far?

A Virgin in Hell

It’s my first season of watching Hell’s Kitchen and it was not love at first sight, let me tell you. My first impression of the well known Michelin-starred Scottish chef and former footballer (as in soccer for us ignorant sods, this side of the pond) was a bit underwhelming. I saw previews with pixilated views of the chef screaming obscenities at kitchen contestants. (We’re so genteel in the US that seeing a grown man shout “F*#@ off!” is something we must be protected from. The 24 hour dreck that includes police chases through trailer parks of half-naked, fully-drunk and drugged perps, we’re fine with that. Even our prime time news is fine with the “if it bleeds, it leads” brand of “news” reportage. But I digress…) I am not a big a fan of reality TV. Don’t care too much for self-important, screaming, cursing men. Don’t see any intrinsic value in anything combining both.

No, this first-timer to Hell’s Kitchen had to do a little research on Chef Ramsay before being convinced to add it to the old TiVo list. A few episodes, a little research and a new idea have convinced me that it IS a good idea, nay, my duty as a food writer, to be informed of this latest TV drama. This dude has real kitchen cred, I could not deny. Michelin stars aren’t handed out like candy, you know. A few chefs and writers who stare down their noses at “TV chefs” (even if they themselves could be accused of such offenses) are still waiting for their stars. Just in case anyone’s paying attention.

So who is Gordon Ramsay?

Running several restaurants, as well as running several charity marathons must leave time for little else right? Somehow Chef Ramsay has time for writing food columns, producing and starring in several successful TV shows and more. Nothing like an over-achiever to make the rest of us look bad. 

I remember hearing about the Rachel Ray drinking game as the groundswell against the relentlessly perky 30 minute meals gal grew.  Viewers who tired of her penchant for making up ridiculous words devised a way to have fun with it all. Watching an episode of “30 Minute Meals” can apparently be made tolerable by drinking each time she makes up a word, such as “sammies” in place of sandwiches. Her now-famous “EVOO” (for extra virgin olive oil) is another infraction so frequent that, combined with “sammies” and other such offenses could lead viewers to a fair buzz by the end of an episode.

I will say this about our Rache and our Gordo: the two are both very popular food TV icons. They each sit atop successful empires due largely to very hard work and some amount of talent and personality. They’ve both accomplished more, at younger ages than many, with more humble starts than most.

Any good Scot will tell you (I’m Clan MacPherson, meself), drink is of some import. The fact that Rache compares herself to a bottle of beer (and Food Network execs to champagne) is legend. She has inspired so many to drink, and that’s gotta count for something. I’d guess that Chef Ramsay has probably inspired a few to drink as well. Let’s hoist a glass in honor of this shared talent for two TV chefs who couldn’t be more different, yet both inspire us to drink.

Here is my Hell’s Kitchen Drinking Game.

For each time the following takes place during an episode one must down a shot or two, as specified.

• Ramsay says “F*#@ off!”: one shot
  
• Ramsay calls someone a “B*^#@”: one shot. If it’s a guy: two.
• One of the B*^#@es cries. One shot.
• If it’s the Nanny: two shots. You pretty much need two shots just to bear her, IMHO. So go ahead, take two.
• Ramsay yells at someone: one shot.
• Ramsay throws something at someone: two shots.
• Ramsay yells at a customer: two shots (e.g. a tall female customer comes to the counter to complain to Chef about the lateness of her meal – only to hear him yell at his Maitre d’ to “get this F*#@ing Giraffe out of my face!” in her face.)
• Ramsay’s face is pixilated to hide his cursing – one shot.
• One of the Red Team (a.k.a. Hell’s B*^#@es) mentions Julia is “only a short-order cook”: one shot.
• She kicks their ass in the next service or challenge: two shots.
• One of the Red Team hugs someone they just dissed: two shots.
• One of the Blue Team reminds us “this is a competition”: one shot.
• Then gets hammered for being weeded all night, proclaiming he’s “better than his piss-poor performance this night showed”: two shots.
• Someone serves something raw: one shot.
• Someone serves something overcooked: one shot.
• Someone tries to salvage something from the garbage: one shot.
• Someone tries to sneak something over or under-cooked past chef: two shots.
  

If you watch an episode, you should find it at least entertaining. If you don’t find it entertaining enough, try it with shot glass and bottle in hand. If that doesn’t work, I’ll buy the next round and a "sammie" to go with it.

Not good enough? F*#@ off! (Just kidding!)