Dear Useless Men,
I love contests. I would like to enter them all. However I have so little time to fill out all the forms with my personal information. Do you have any advice that will help me win the prizes of my dreams? Here's a quick list of what I would like:
a cruise to the Islands, a car, money, a big house designed by Sarah Richardson, an MP3 player, a gardening tool set and of course, some breakfast cereal.
So, nothing much.
Help me out and I'll give you a cut,
Fast Eddie
Dear Fast Eddie,
First, let me thank you, Fast Eddie, for your delightful fast food. Not only do I love the affordable eats, but my future coronary bypass surgeon thanks you too! Now, on to business …
So, you want to win prizes do you? Well, you've come to the right place! Myself, along with a few of the other useless men, are KINGS at entering all manner of draws.
We annually invade the Canadian International Auto Show with an aim to get some of the fantastic prizes ourselves. We often leave with excessive amounts of freebies, from stickers to shirts and hats. How can we manage these fantastic deals?? Volume!
No, we don't shout and scream until we get what we want! We simply pour it on thick when we get to the booths. The people are often impressed enough by us to hand over the goodies.
Sure, my wife claims that they do this to just get rid of us, but she never gets free t-shirts! So, I say she can't be trusted.
While these little prizes excite us, we strive to hone our skills. I plan to badger the people in the Toyota pavilion next year until they give me a free car. I'll let you know how this goes as it may be the gateway to all manner of future acquisitions.
Having put some time in working a booth at a home show, I can tell you that our draw for in-home cleaning, while done by “random ballot”, was as random as the income tax return you fill out each year (unless you don't fill one out at all and then you may already be the winner of affordable housing for a period of 1-year (or less with good behaviour)). The prizes went to the really cute women we saw entering ballots because then we got to go to their homes and see them again!
Sure, it sounds like creepy behaviour, but it beats getting to the house of some 93-year-old chatty lady and being regaled with tales of her 40 cats or something. THAT’S some creepy there!
So if the volume method isn't working out so well for you, then you should try to hire an extremely attractive girl to go enter draws in your name. The delivery guys may be quite surprised when they get to your place, but by then you've got your prize, so it's too late! The best part about this method is that if you manage to get all that free stuff you are talking about, you may even be able to attract the girl without having to pay, as she will want your stuff too!
Don't forget to invite us to the wedding when your day comes.
Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat
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