QUESTION # 606: SHE LOVES ME. SHE LOVES ME NOT.

Dear Useless Men,

There's this girl in my class that I really like. I've tried all the regular tricks to make her notice me, you know, calling her names at recess, punching her in the arm, and hitting her with spit balls, but she always just runs away. How can I get her to like me?

Signed,
Grade Seven Romeo

Dear Ro,

Can I call you Ro?--Ro, look, buddy. You're telegraphing too much interest here. Spit balls? Arm punching? C'mon. This is what all the other guys your age are trying. You’ve got to be the exception to the rule, right? Stand out from the crowd and all that. That said, here are a few non-standard age-specific teases/tricks that will help you turn Juliet's head (NOTE: These tactics are strictly for those between the ages of 6 and 13. DearUselessMen.com is not responsible for their result when performed by adults. (Actually, we’re irresponsible for anything you read on here)).

Dump her lunch out This one's pretty self-explanatory. When you see her toting that little brown bag--you know, where she's got some PB&J inside, maybe an apple, some chips, and a puddin' cup, you just grab that sucker and dump it in the trash. She'll cry. Then later you can go up and be like, "Remember that time you were all like, ‘Wahhhh my mom bought that with food stamps!’ That was pretty funny."

Set her backpack on fire The only ones who love a good prank better than boys are girls. Especially when they're the butt! Wait till she's distracted--usually this means standing in line, doing a complicated math problem, or crying because you dumped her lunch out--then light it up. After the initial fireball is when you should ask her to prom.

Kidnap her pet turtle Oh man. She won't be able to get enough of you! Bonus points if you send her a picture of some tomato soup with green food coloring in it with the caption "Yum!"

Knock on the door of her house and when her mom answers give her some bogus story about being at the park and needing to use the restroom really bad but you can't because you get anxiety attacks when you use public restrooms and you're too far from home to use your own so can you please, please use hers? Unless she's a callous, child-hating witch she'll usually say yes. Haha, sucker! That's when you sneak to an upstairs phone and call the police and tell them there's a gun-toting madman in the house and give them her address. That way you, her mom, the SWAT team, and the local news can all have a big belly laugh together at her expense when you tell them that it's just a joke!

Hope this helps, Romeo. We men have sort of lost our edge in recent years. Cheers to you helping to get it back!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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