QUESTION # 605: JORDAN VS GRETZKY

Dear Useless Men,

I have been having a debate with a fellow blogger about who is a greater all around athlete, Wayne Gretzky or Michael Jordan. I say Jordan. I hope that your input will settle this debate. Or that this whole idea of his may be completely useless.

With his Airness,
AndyRoo

Dear AndyRoo,

Having debates with strangers on the internet is rather useless, so CONGRATULATIONS on meeting our standards.

Michael Jordan, NBA Champion, and Wayne Gretzky, greatest hockey player of all time, played two very different sports which makes it difficult to compare the two, so let’s start off with something simple: Their names.

Statistically speaking, (the best way to argue sports), Michael is a more popular name than Wayne, giving Mr. Jordan the upper hand right off the bat. But Michael is also a very mundane name, and could easily be confused with any other Michael athlete. Take these names in parts. Someone says Wayne played a great game, and you automatically know it is Gretzky. Michael played a great game, and you could mean anyone from Jordan’s NBA game to Vick’s Dog Fighting ring.

Point: Tie

With both players now being retired (How long ago did you send this question by the way?) we can look back over their entire playing careers. The first nine years of Wayne’s NHL career found him playing for the Edmonton Oilers, while during the same time, Michael was played basketball for the Chicago Bulls. Common sense tells us that, no matter how big its horns are, a bull stands no chance on oil. Literally. The slick, slippery oil would barely allow the bull to stand, let alone win any sort of sporting competition.


Point: Gretzky

In 1989, Wayne wiped the greasy oil slick from his skates when he was traded to the LA Kings. Gretzky became royalty, opening the doors for Mr. Jordan to prove he was better. But, as history shows, Spanish Kings hired matadors to amuse their loyal constituents and fans. The bulls never stood a chance then, as well as now.

Point: Gretzky

By the time Wayne was traded to the St. Louis Blues in 1996, Michael Jordan was already retired. Obviously, the active athlete, no. 99, has the advantage over the guy sitting in the rocking chair gumming his peas.

Point: Gretzky

Not one to give up easily, Michael Jordan came out of retirement, probably on some kind of day pass, to give the NBA another shot with the Washington Wizards. Wayne was a NY Ranger by this time and easily capable of defeating a bull. Rangers, as you know, use an arsenal of weaponry like the blinding flash-bangs and track their enemies from a great distance, ensuring their own safety is never compromised. Had the Wizards kept their original moniker, the Bullets, at least he’d have a shooters chance.

Point: Gretzky

It’s clear from the comparison that Wayne Gretzky is the better all around athlete as he is practically undefeatable in everything all around his career. Antoher trophy to add to his case!

But this is only half the weighted category. I now turn it over to the comments section of our website to see what the rest of the Useless nation has to say on this topic. Consider this your chance to influence whose 8X10 we hang on the office refrigerator.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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