QUESTION # 600: NEW FOUND LAND

Dear Useless Men,

I would love to visit Newfoundland. For some reason, it fascinates me. I listen to CBC podcasts of local news out of NF and I have read a couple of books set in Newfoundland. I was surprised to learn that it has "reputation" in Canada. Apparently Newfoundland is the province that embarrasses fancy pants places like Toronto and Vancouver.

Anyway, do you think I could have a fun vacation in Newfoundland?

Thanks!
Newfie Lover

Dear Useless Ones,

I am looking forward to your answer on Newfoundland. My dad's family is from North Dakota and we used to go to Winnipeg all of the time. I have also been to Toronto and Windsor, Ontario many times.

But, for some reason even though I have never been there. I have a crush on Newfoundland! I hear the time zone there is 15 minutes off from any other time zone (?) Gotta love a place that is out of step with the rest of the world (given that most of the world is a mess.)

Newfie Lover

Dear Newfie Lover,

Let's get to the time zone thing. It is a well-known fact that the Newfoundland time zone (NST) is out of sync with most time zones being an extra half-hour off from the rest of the Maritimes. There are all manner of scientific theories to why this happened but the truth is far simpler than they would have you believe.

Way back when the island was being settled there was a small contingent of settlers who liked the hilly and rocky terrain. Most people were looking for the fastest way off of the windswept rock.

The soon to be "Newfies" decided to let the whiners (later called Mainlanders) take off. Then the Newfies realized they didn't know how to set their watches. Little did they realize, a power outage the night before had reset all their clocks to 12:00AM at 11:30PM, putting them permanently out of sync with the rest of their future Nation.

This laid back attitude is what built the province its reputation on how to take it easy and not to sweat the small stuff. The rest of Canada is embarrassed easily especially by their eastern counterparts.

In the old days, the bulk of Newfoundland smelled of fish and rum. Truth be told, the fishing has largely dried up across the area. These days, it's oil they'll be smelling. That makes the rest of the country afraid of our Newfies becoming like those hillbilly people you see that win the lottery and show up at the country clubs in ragged jeans and KISS Farewell Tour concert tees. It won't be long before their oil soaked dollars will be used to buy gold plated hunting rifles and add lift kits to their snowmobiles.

That being said, I think you could have a grand time in Newfoundland. At the very least you have to make sure you go down to George Street and tell them you're from out of town. Your strange manner of speech and dress will pretty much be a tip off, but they'll offer to get you screeched in. It's a fantastic process that involves drinking liquor and a bit of mouth-to-backside with a feathery beast. Great fun for the tourists indeed! You even get a pretty document.

Make sure you travel the province and take in the landscape. A nice walking tour or even a driving tour will ensure you get to such don't miss places as Billy Butts Pond, Come By Chance, Dildo, Joe Batt's Arm and Witless Bay (a personal favourite of mine (I feel I belong)). There are old buildings, waves, rocks and wind galore.

There's good times to be had! Enjoy yerself and be sure not t' ballyrag the locals now. If ye gets lost just be sure to drop me a line.

Just remember to stay where you be and I'll come where ya to.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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