QUESTION # 598: TIME-TRAVELLING BAND

Dear Useless Men,

I'm concerned about my friends band. Their lead singer recently won a national singing contest and will be producing a solo album and touring for the coming year.

This has left the rest of the band, my friends, in a holding pattern. I want to be able to give them some advice on what to do until the dust settles and they will find out if they will continue to tour together, or if they will have to audition some new talent.

What would YOU advise? Can any of you sing?

Stoked for Great Music

Dear Stoked,

Nowadays there aren’t too many options for a band with no singer. There are a few swanky hotels in downtown T.O. that might consider live elevator music, if you think your band is up for playing 24 hours straight with no breaks, unless the guitar player wants to ever-so-softly rock out a 10 minute solo so the rest of the band can “drop the kids off at the pool”, so to speak. Otherwise, you may give all new meaning to making your guitar gently weep.

If the band can whip together a bunch of brass and strings, they could get a swingin’ orchestra going but I suspect I know this displaced band and I doubt that this is the kind of musical career they would want to cry about when they’re 87.

The above options are options but, realistically, a band needs a singer. So if you’re tight with them, they might not laugh you out of the room when you suggest “Live Karaoke Band.” It’s a perfect fit really, as each fulfills the need of the other. Karaoke singers would love a band, and the band needs a singer. Consider all the different singers as audtions. Like this Useless Man did in a recent video interview.

It’s tough these days for a band without a singer. Things worked out for them much better back in the 17– and 1800’s when Mozart and Beethoven were putting out kickass, finger-tapping tunes. If you know anybody with a time machine, maybe you could hit them up for a favour?

Personally, I’d love to help but my Delorean is in the shop; the flux-capacitor’s been acting up lately. Must’ve been the Tang I spilled on it while I was visiting the 60’s. The 1660’s.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


To send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men, click uselessadvice@hotmail.com">here.