QUESTION # 594: ROOMBA BOOMBA

Dear Useless Men,

I have an irrational fear of robots; especially roombas. I know these little terrors are meant to clean, but I swear they try to chase me. I just don't like things that can move and thing for themselves without a brain. Are the roombas really out to get me?

Scared of Robots (Couldn't come up with a clever signature. Too scared.)

Dear Scared of Robots (I couldn't come up with a clever signature either),

The roombas are programmed to wander around aimlessly until they discover some dirt, which they then proceed to suck up.

What really makes me nervous is that they manage to not fall down the stairs or get stuck in a corner.

While they harbor you no ill will, I would suggest maybe bathing more often. Possibly shaking out the dust from your clothes would prevent the roomba assaults you are encountering.

Another approach would be to carry with you a bag of topsoil wherever you go. When the roombas come to get you, it’s a simple matter of bait and run. Throw the dirt down to throw it off the scent. If you encounter a really tough roomba, you may want to consider a packet of manure. I don't think that the type matters, and both the dirt and the manure can be purchased at any garden center in your area.

Just make sure you ask them which manure is the nastiest, and which dirt is the dirtiest.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless I'd Be A Cat

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