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How to avoid a Speeding Ticket

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Highlights

  • Don't attract attention.
  • Be courteous and respectful.
  • Do not drive under the influence.

Mike Brown, Commisioner of the California Highway Patrol (CHP aka “Chips”), recently said that they stop 6 millions drivers per year but only about 3 million of them get tickets.  That means that right off the bat, you have a 50/50 chance of being stopped and escaping ticket free.  I have driven the roads of California for over 40 years and have been stopped countless times.  At the risk of jinxing an incredible lucky streak that has kept me out of trouble, I would like to share my advice about being stopped by the police.

 

The most important thing you can do is to avoid being stopped in the first place by not attracting attention.  Speeding is the obvious way to attract attention.  If you choose to speed, make sure you are checking your mirrors every 10 or 15 seconds for something that looks like a police car.  If you are being tailed (or think you are), let off the gas, downshift if appropriate but do not step on the brakes to slow down.  That gets attention. Other attention-getters include talking on a cell phone, having a broken tail light, missing a license plate or current tags and switching lanes frequently are also good enough to get you pulled over.  I’ll discuss this later but sometimes these problems are the excuse to pull you over because they suspect that you have been drinking.  Should any of these prompt the officer to pull you over, the game is on.

chp.jpg
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The most famous Chips of all time. The one on the left had some domestic violence issues and ended up on a reality show.

In any confrontation, it is important to get inside the head of your opponent.  In this case you must understand what’s going on inside the mind of the officer.  Most people perceive that the police have a pretty cool job driving around fast in beefy cruisers with the siren blaring just waiting for a chance to bully some poor citizen.  There is no doubt that this part is fun but that’s not the reason men and women join law enforcement.  They are trying to make the roads safe for you (and them).  I cannot emphasize enough how seriously they take their responsibility and the law.  They do not get the humor in your driving like an idiot. 

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When you are stopped by an officer and as he walks from his car to yours, he is wondering just exactly who he just stopped.  He must prepare for the very real possibility that you are a psychopathic killer who is fleeing the scene of a mass murder.  This is a pretty exhilarating feeling especially when they have a 38 revolver strapped to their leg and know that they are superbly trained to blow the crap out of you if you make one false move.  Nonetheless, it’s a little scary.  Note that as the officer approaches your car, he tends to hug the car and is moving cautiously.  He may even have a flashlight in his hand that he shines in your rear view mirror so it shines directly in your face.  He doesn’t want to be an easy target.  So by the time he gets to your car, he is in a heightened state.  Everything you do will be noticed and he is looking for the signs that you are about to be a bad guy.

 

Obviously the correct approach here is to not be a bad guy.  First, while he is walking from his car to yours control your breathing.  Don’t start hyperventilating or working yourself up.  Chances are this will work out just fine so don’t panic and breathe evenly.  You do not want to be out of breath when he arrives.  Slowly reach into the glove box and retrieve your registration card, your insurance card and get your driver’s license out of your wallet.  Then sit up straight and put both hands on the wheel.  Do not ever get out of your car unless it is on fire (and then have your hands up).  Opening the door onto a freeway is a dangerous thing in the first place but when you open the door the officer is wondering what you are going to do next.  He’s hoping it won’t be shooting him but he will prepare for just that.  You want him calm not crouched with an itchy trigger finger.

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The next few moments are the most critical.  Your attitude should be respectful so that you can de-escalate the conversation to a calm chat about the fact that you made a stupid mistake.  Polite is the rule here and your goal is to build rapport not to piss him off.  I recommend liberal use of “yes, sir” and “no, sir” combined with eye contact and no hint of aggression or disagreement.  You want to be that dog that is lying flat on his tummy when confronted with a big bad dog not the one that shows his sharp white fangs.  The eye contact communicates sincerity. 

 

There is one thing you can do that is better than eye contact.  It’s eye contact while wearing Ray-Ban “aviator” sunglasses.  In two of the pictures above, the officers have these glasses as do all CHP I have ever encountered.  Your wearing them signals that you have something in common and share tastes but most importantly you are equals.  It shows empathy.  Police have self-esteem issues just like anybody else and if you act superior, they will have you handcuffed and in the back of the squad car so fast you won’t know what happened.  Treat them as superiors (or at least equals). 

 

Feel free to remove the sunglasses so he can see the sincerity more clearly.  If you are wearing the sunglasses to hide the fact that you are so stoned you think you are in a Cheech and Chong movie, I have no comment other than I hope you look good in orange.  See additional comments below.

 

The officer will begin asking questions once he has checked your identification to make sure there isn’t an amber alert out for you.  While you are talking he will be deciding if he is going to write you up or let you off with a warning.  He is looking for your recognition that you know you did something wrong and are repentant.  They usually ask if you know how fast you were going.  Even if you were thinking about 3 trillion other things and don’t have a clue if you were going 30 or 130, make up a number that suggests you knew you were speeding but didn’t think you were on a NASCAR track.  If it doesn’t seem to be going well, I like to add “Faster than I should have been driving but I have a lot on my mind.”  If they bite, I find “found out my girlfriend is sleeping with my best friend” works pretty well.  If you are in big trouble, there is the high-risk gambit “my wife just told me she wants a divorce.”  This works much better if it’s true but the principle here is that all police officers are divorced and it hasn’t been pleasant for them.  This will enhance your rapport and they may even become empathetic.  Once you begin comparing notes what bitches your ex-wives were, you are well on your way ticket free.

 

Once the ticket writing starts, you move on to the next phase, which is to get back on the road in one piece.  I like to throw a “These aren’t the ‘droids you are looking for” just in case the Jedi mind games works on him.  However, it is not the end of the world if you actually get a ticket.  In California, speeders can attend traffic school and the record of the ticket is removed from your record and your insurance company is not notified.  Traffic school is a daylong test of your ability to stay awake in a room full of poor bastards just like yourself (and worse).  Regardless of how numbingly boring it all is, your time is significantly cheaper than having your insurance company find out and begin jacking up your rates.  If you get another ticket within a year, traffic school is not a choice. 

 

All of the above assumes that you are not driving under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.  If you are then all bets are off.  You are a danger to yourself, to others (and maybe even me) and you need to be taken off the road.  Assuming you only get stopped for driving while drunk, it will cost upwards of $25,000 by the time you pay lawyers, fines, and the real gotcha… you new insurance rates.  Your auto insurance is immediately cancelled and you are thrown in with a group of other idiots like yourself and the rates are insane since the rates are just for convicted drunk drivers, not exactly the risk group you want to be in.  Even a long, long cab ride is much cheaper than the cost of an arrest.  

11-99 frame.jpg
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11-99 Foundation Licence Frame -- Get out of jail free card?

If you live in California, you may have seen a license place frame for the 11-99 Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides benefits and scholarships to California Highway Patrol family members.  Usually you will see this on an expensive car driven by some rich guy.  It is a popularly held myth that making a donation and getting one of these frames is tantamount to a “get out of jail free card”.  According to Mike Brown, these people get tickets, too.  So please donate because you want to help the patrolman and their families.

 

If the idea of being a CHP sounds interesting and you’re not currently sitting on the sofa smoking weed, they are currently hiring.  Call them at 1-888-4A-CHPJOB or go to the website.  If you get the job and we happen to run into each other on the road, show mercy.

 

In conclusion, the above is the result of my field study on the subject.  You mileage may vary.  Don’t sue me if it doesn’t work for you.

cop costumes.jpg
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If this guys stops you, expect a long and lingering pat-down.

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Tags: 11-99 foundation, avoid tickets, chp, police involvement, road rules, speeding tickets, traveling

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  • Published Oct. 13, 2007
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  1. daniel henny

    simoc at 12:24pm on Mar. 4, 2008

    9 months ago

    Delete

    the basics.. but seriously its soo true... i have a question, what if you ARE under the influence and youre driving? Reply...

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    1. Asparagas

      Stewie at 9:27am on Mar. 5, 2008

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      What do you mean by under the influence? Are you above .08 blood alcohol or have you been swallowing horse tranquiizers all night? If you're under the limit, stay calm. If not, start crying like a little girl and mumble something about divorce, foreclosure or cancer. Then get a breathalyzer for you car and don't even think about driving if you're close to the limit. The risk of hurting yourself and especially someone else is too high. One screw-up could change your life (how do you look in orange?). Reply...

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  2. 10-28-2007-03.jpg

    stinsonamanda at 5:42pm on Feb. 22, 2008

    9 months ago

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    I don't know if it is a coincidence or not but I have noticed that most of the cars pulled over by the police are junkers - or older cars in general. That or the newest, cheap "sports" car. I rarely see a new Porsche, BMW or Mercedes pulled over. It's usually a Neon or Pinto.

    Sometimes I see a real POS pulled over and I'm like, 'how fast could that car possibly have been driving - it looks like it couldn't get above 60mph!'

    Has anyone else noticed that?
    Reply...

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  3. Holla.

    Chronotrigga at 1:24pm on Feb. 17, 2008

    9 months ago

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    Some very great advice. :) Reply...

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  4. spongebob1.gif

    SquarePants at 10:44pm on Feb. 11, 2008

    9 months ago

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    I like how you've revised this. My last three speeding tickets and lessons learned, in chron order:

    [1] Arrived Oakland airport at 1am on a Friday night, shuttled to my car, drove home. Right before my exit, I got tagged. No cars were around me. I was sick and played that to the hilt. I was going 90 mph which sometimes is the flow of traffic. Lessons learned: Stay within 5-10 mph of the speed limit if you are the lead dog or only dog. Remember to take my radar unit out of my center console and hook it up (though it doesn't seem to help from behind). Don't drive a roadster.
    [2] I was driving in-city with my older daughter on errands. We were having a great conversation, and I was driving in auto-pilot mode. Tagged at 50 mph in a 25 mph zone. Even worse, a school zone (to be specific, a school for the deaf). Lesson learned: Even a pretty daughter buys you squat. I was the only car on that stretch of the road so clearly I learned nothing from #1.
    [3] I was driving in-city with my son on errands. Again, we were having a great conversation and joking around. Tagged at 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. Normally this street has a flow of traffic around 50 mph. Lesson learned: I seem to have learned absolutely nothing from #1. It also doesn't help to have a 13 year old son smirking in his seat, trying not to laugh out loud. My son finally did have the courtesy to look away towards the side window. I told my son he'll be using his razor scooter for a l-o-n-g time now. The officer did smile watching my son, but it bought me squat.

    My takeaway overall from these 3 tickets: Whether your kids are with you or not, they don't help. Certainly, I wasn't responsible for the rest. P.S. Don't tell your spouse or significant other about the ticket, they'll only give you grief. Or demonstrate a total lack of listening with a question like, "you were speeding?".
    Reply...

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    1. Asparagas

      Stewie at 10:57am on Feb. 13, 2008

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      Good stories though not the positive kind I like. Two key things you mention that need to be added. Never ever drive faster than 80mph. If you get cited above 80 then you can't go to driving school. And always slow to 25 immediately when you see anything that looks like a school. Racing by a school is not only dangerous but it's the favorite spot for the police to hang out waiting for someone to go flying by. Reply...

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      1. spongebob1.gif

        SquarePants at 8:31pm on Feb. 13, 2008

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        You can go 80 mph, even 85mph, if and only if its with the flow of traffic. Traffic can move that fast going south on 680 onto 280 (in San Jose, for those not from the area). Same true on I-5. But if you are driving with no other cars around or the lead car, it's just as you say.

        Joking aside, the real lesson to my stories is to not let things distract you while you are driving to the point that you lose track of your speed. Like when you're not feeling well, when you're driving with others and in conversation, sometimes even good music, etc. The more you get distracted, the more the risk of getting pulled over.
        Reply...

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  5. 100_0263.jpg

    gillian maffeo at 11:56am on Feb. 1, 2008

    10 months ago

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    oh shit my bad hahah Reply...

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  6. 100_0263.jpg

    gillian maffeo at 11:21am on Feb. 1, 2008

    10 months ago

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    i just got 2 speeding tickets and a wreckless driving ticket...i should have read this first hahah Reply...

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    1. Asparagas

      Stewie at 11:53am on Feb. 1, 2008

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      Sorry to hear. That was a bummer of a day. I think you mean "reckless" driving since wreckless is a good thing. Reply...

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  7. icon2

    RazorG606 at 4:34pm on Jan. 31, 2008

    10 months ago

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    Very nice write up. I'll be sure to remember this when I start driving. =] Reply...

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  8. keeneland1.JPG

    englslady at 11:04am on Jan. 19, 2008

    10 months ago

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    I always use the "sorry officer I just got back from England and the speed limits are different over there" trick. Combined with my British accent it seems to work quite nicely...lol. Funny pics and good tips! Reply...

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  9. my picture.jpg

    PaulaKirsch at 7:15pm on Jan. 3, 2008

    11 months ago

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    "Once you begin comparing notes what bitches your ex-wives were, you are well on your way ticket free."

    On the rare occasion that I get stopped, (it's been a long time, knock on wood!) I usually get the ticket. Maybe I am reminding them of their ex-wives! Here in MI we can go to court to fight it... It's a bit like legal extortion... they change the ticket to a "no points" offense I pay a nice juicy fine and the insurance company is none the wiser. It's a win- win... what ever the fine is, it's cheaper than the insurance going up! All this and I even have a sticker on my back window from a Detroit Officers' Association.
    Reply...

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  10. Sid

    Hunter N. Fisher at 3:05pm on Dec. 30, 2007

    11 months ago

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    Well, I suppose it's better than my plan to grow out my beard, hold a bic lighter in my hand with a wire running from it to my belt and yelling Allah Akbar over and over. I'm sure the officer would have found that amusing. Reply...

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