How to avoid a Speeding Ticket

Mike Brown, Commisioner of the California Highway Patrol (CHP aka “Chips”), recently said that they stop 6 millions drivers per year but only about 3 million of them get tickets.  That means that right off the bat, you have a 50/50 chance of being stopped and escaping ticket free.  I have driven the roads of California for over 40 years and have been stopped countless times.  At the risk of jinxing an incredible lucky streak that has kept me out of trouble, I would like to share my advice about being stopped by the police.

The most important thing you can do is to avoid being stopped in the first place by not attracting attention.  Speeding is the obvious way to attract attention.  If you choose to speed, make sure you are checking your mirrors every 10 or 15 seconds for something that looks like a police car.  If you are being tailed (or think you are), let off the gas, downshift if appropriate but do not step on the brakes to slow down.  That gets attention. Other attention-getters include talking on a cell phone, having a broken tail light, missing a license plate or current tags and switching lanes frequently are also good enough to get you pulled over.  I’ll discuss this later but sometimes these problems are the excuse to pull you over because they suspect that you have been drinking.  Should any of these prompt the officer to pull you over, the game is on.

In any confrontation, it is important to get inside the head of your opponent.  In this case you must understand what’s going on inside the mind of the officer.  Most people perceive that the police have a pretty cool job driving around fast in beefy cruisers with the siren blaring just waiting for a chance to bully some poor citizen.  There is no doubt that this part is fun but that’s not the reason men and women join law enforcement.  They are trying to make the roads safe for you (and them).  I cannot emphasize enough how seriously they take their responsibility and the law.  They do not get the humor in your driving like an idiot. 

When you are stopped by an officer and as he walks from his car to yours, he is wondering just exactly who he just stopped.  He must prepare for the very real possibility that you are a psychopathic killer who is fleeing the scene of a mass murder.  This is a pretty exhilarating feeling especially when they have a 38 revolver strapped to their leg and know that they are superbly trained to blow the crap out of you if you make one false move.  Nonetheless, it’s a little scary.  Note that as the officer approaches your car, he tends to hug the car and is moving cautiously.  He may even have a flashlight in his hand that he shines in your rear view mirror so it shines directly in your face.  He doesn’t want to be an easy target.  So by the time he gets to your car, he is in a heightened state.  Everything you do will be noticed and he is looking for the signs that you are about to be a bad guy.

Obviously the correct approach here is to not be a bad guy.  First, while he is walking from his car to yours control your breathing.  Don’t start hyperventilating or working yourself up.  Chances are this will work out just fine so don’t panic and breathe evenly.  You do not want to be out of breath when he arrives.  Slowly reach into the glove box and retrieve your registration card, your insurance card and get your driver’s license out of your wallet.  Then sit up straight and put both hands on the wheel.  Do not ever get out of your car unless it is on fire (and then have your hands up).  Opening the door onto a freeway is a dangerous thing in the first place but when you open the door the officer is wondering what you are going to do next.  He’s hoping it won’t be shooting him but he will prepare for just that.  You want him calm not crouched with an itchy trigger finger.

The next few moments are the most critical.  Your attitude should be respectful so that you can de-escalate the conversation to a calm chat about the fact that you made a stupid mistake.  Polite is the rule here and your goal is to build rapport not to piss him off.  I recommend liberal use of “yes, sir” and “no, sir” combined with eye contact and no hint of aggression or disagreement.  You want to be that dog that is lying flat on his tummy when confronted with a big bad dog not the one that shows his sharp white fangs.  The eye contact communicates sincerity. 

There is one thing you can do that is better than eye contact.  It’s eye contact while wearing Ray-Ban “aviator” sunglasses.  In two of the pictures above, the officers have these glasses as do all CHP I have ever encountered.  Your wearing them signals that you have something in common and share tastes but most importantly you are equals.  It shows empathy.  Police have self-esteem issues just like anybody else and if you act superior, they will have you handcuffed and in the back of the squad car so fast you won’t know what happened.  Treat them as superiors (or at least equals). 

Feel free to remove the sunglasses so he can see the sincerity more clearly.  If you are wearing the sunglasses to hide the fact that you are so stoned you think you are in a Cheech and Chong movie, I have no comment other than I hope you look good in orange.  See additional comments below.

The officer will begin asking questions once he has checked your identification to make sure there isn’t an amber alert out for you.  While you are talking he will be deciding if he is going to write you up or let you off with a warning.  He is looking for your recognition that you know you did something wrong and are repentant.  They usually ask if you know how fast you were going.  Even if you were thinking about 3 trillion other things and don’t have a clue if you were going 30 or 130, make up a number that suggests you knew you were speeding but didn’t think you were on a NASCAR track.  If it doesn’t seem to be going well, I like to add “Faster than I should have been driving but I have a lot on my mind.”  If they bite, I find “found out my girlfriend is sleeping with my best friend” works pretty well.  If you are in big trouble, there is the high-risk gambit “my wife just told me she wants a divorce.”  This works much better if it’s true but the principle here is that all police officers are divorced and it hasn’t been pleasant for them.  This will enhance your rapport and they may even become empathetic.  Once you begin comparing notes what bitches your ex-wives were, you are well on your way ticket free.

Once the ticket writing starts, you move on to the next phase, which is to get back on the road in one piece.  I like to throw a “These aren’t the ‘droids you are looking for” just in case the Jedi mind games works on him.  However, it is not the end of the world if you actually get a ticket.  In California, speeders can attend traffic school and the record of the ticket is removed from your record and your insurance company is not notified.  Traffic school is a daylong test of your ability to stay awake in a room full of poor bastards just like yourself (and worse).  Regardless of how numbingly boring it all is, your time is significantly cheaper than having your insurance company find out and begin jacking up your rates.  If you get another ticket within a year, traffic school is not a choice. 

All of the above assumes that you are not driving under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.  If you are then all bets are off.  You are a danger to yourself, to others (and maybe even me) and you need to be taken off the road.  Assuming you only get stopped for driving while drunk, it will cost upwards of $25,000 by the time you pay lawyers, fines, and the real gotcha… you new insurance rates.  Your auto insurance is immediately cancelled and you are thrown in with a group of other idiots like yourself and the rates are insane since the rates are just for convicted drunk drivers, not exactly the risk group you want to be in.  Even a long, long cab ride is much cheaper than the cost of an arrest.  

If you live in California, you may have seen a license place frame for the 11-99 Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides benefits and scholarships to California Highway Patrol family members.  Usually you will see this on an expensive car driven by some rich guy.  It is a popularly held myth that making a donation and getting one of these frames is tantamount to a “get out of jail free card”.  According to Mike Brown, these people get tickets, too.  So please donate because you want to help the patrolman and their families.

If the idea of being a CHP sounds interesting and you’re not currently sitting on the sofa smoking weed, they are currently hiring.  Call them at 1-888-4A-CHPJOB or go to the website.  If you get the job and we happen to run into each other on the road, show mercy.

In conclusion, the above is the result of my field study on the subject.  You mileage may vary.  Don’t sue me if it doesn’t work for you.