QUESTION # 590: HOW'S YOUR HUBBY, MRS. POTUS?

Dear Useless Men,

It is a very strong possibility that Hillary Clinton will become the next President of the United States. And if not her, if not now, then for sure at some time in the future there will be a woman President. When that happens, I wonder what term will be used to identify her husband. Up to now the President's wife has been referred to as the First Lady. Clearly 'First Lady' will not be appropriate for the husband. What are your thoughts?

What suggestions might you give the press corps?

Sincerely,
Drawing a Blank

Dear Drawing a Blank,

I imagine that during all those fundraiser banquets, where chiefs-of-staff are giving him high-fives and low-fives and knucks (you know, where you and a comrade mash your knuckles together in the air) that they will call the President what they always have: "Duuuuuuude!"

But it is understandable that we the people must come up with our own moniker. Here are some that I've thought of. Feel free to add your own!

People have cute names for each other when they've been together for a long time. Oftentimes these are lame and uninspired, such as "babe", "hon", "dear", or "darlin'". But they can also be good. So good. Especially for a public eager to emasculate the man which, if I know my late night talk show hosts, it is.

Since the President and her husband will most likely be Southern, (it's just this feeling I get, y'know?), then we arrive squarely at the nickname First Honey-Dumpling. It's got a certain down home charm about it while still able to convey the message, "Ha ha, your wife has more ambition than you. I bet you wear a Groucho-Marx mask to reunions, don't you."

Alpha personalities are the stronger, the more outgoing, the life of the party type. They're also the most headstrong and capable of succeeding in the business world. It is said that every lasting relationship contains both an alpha and beta personality because any relationship consisting of both of either tends to crash and burn pretty quickly. Keeping this in mind, it is obvious that if the woman is the president then she is the alpha and her husband is the beta of the couple. Add to that the fact that he is, at the moment, the most notable beta personality in all the country and this is where we get title Beta-Max.

Or we can always throw invention to the wind and keep First Lady. It's quick, easy, doesn't require an act of congress (or God) to change, and can be easily slotted into an impromptu snigger; ie, "Don't look now, here comes the First Lady; I hear his 'husband' is sending him out for some lavender potpourri for the oval office."

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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