QUESTION # 630: LOITEROUS LINGERING

Dear Useless Men,

Can you please explain to me how or why a guy's fart lingers? Several of my relations of the ability to pass-the-gas, cut-the-cheese, two cheek sneak, lett'r rip or release an SPD in another room/outside/at work/on the bus, yet it follow's them like a sad puppy. Why oh why?

Perplexed by putrification

Dear Perplexed by putrification,

Indeed you are perplexed. It's SBD, not SPD; Silent But Deadly. But that's ok -- we are here to help. And while the Useless Men may in fact be considered truly useless when it comes to a myriad of subjects, ranging from art and relationships to foreign policy and mathematics, smells and/or the orifices that produce them are where we really shine!

To truly understand why the smell lingers so long you must not, as any laywoman might, consider this an accidental effect. To the practicing experts this is known as "crop-dusting" and is a carefully cultivated skill. Do not let the exploits of the masters--of whom Brandon-Ray Luper of Fort Winnebago, WI, is now a member after successfully cropdusting his way from the easternmost tip of Columbia county to its westernmost tip--fool you, for while it may occur as mere happenstance some of the time, it is actually very difficult to master. Some spend lifetimes in pursuit of the perfect cropdust; otherwise quit their jobs and drop out of school. A transcendental experience? Yes, say some.

"I remember when my daddy first taught me how to crop dust," recalls Jeremy Frisk Jr. of Cottonwood, AL. "He went from settin' at the dinner table clear on out to the shed never stoppin'--even stopped to tie his shoes. Boy I tell ya that was the finest cropdustin I ever did see. That's how our cat Shawnee died--course when ma' asked (ma' loved that old Tom) we tol' her it was them kay-yotes what done it. An' she believed it too, till one day she was out diggin' in her garden and done dug up the poor feller an' smelt him. Poor daddy caught a tongue lashin' that day on account o' he promised her he was done with crop dustin'."

As you can see, it's not just a fart, but a way of life. And while no discussion of crop-dusting (or CPD as it's casually referred to) masters would be complete without mentioning Janeen Melkin of Fort Springs IA, or her philosophically opposed Elizabeth Sharr of Waxahachie, TX, it is a way of life seldom understood by the fairer sex. Oftentimes women misinterpret the meaning behind their crop-dusting males as "I'm a disgusting slob whose body has been given over solely to the fabrication and subsequent corruption of noxious gases designed to maim or kill anyone with an olfactorily unsafe radius from me," when what they really mean is "Understand me."

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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