QUESTION # 629: IS THAT A HAGGIS IN YOUR EAR?

Dear Useless Men,

Why do we get wax in our ears? What is it for?

Scientist in Training

Dear Scientist in Training,

Let me first commend you on entering into the challenging and demanding world of the scientists. You will be joining a social elite whose primary job function is to research and approve things for our general use, which will eventually be determined to be bad for us and become condemned by your same people years later. Yours is one of the most useless career paths indeed. And I commend you.

With regards to earwax, it is indeed a mysterious substance whose purpose remains a mystery until now. Earwax is simply an accumulation of brain content. When our brains reach capacity they find there is no place to put things. Since our society has embraced the concept of life long learning, we feel the need to continue to cram our over-stuffed brains full of more and more knowledge. Whether it is useful knowledge or not is academic, as the brain is simply a garage for our thoughts, ideas and memories. It cannot determine the difference between the cure for cancer and the entire script to Monty Python And The Holy Grail.

Once over-stuffed, the brain must vent off the excess pressure or face the very real possibility of exploding like an overstuffed haggis. To eliminate the excess pressure it simply begins to select whatever information it deems unnecessary and presses it out the most accessible hole. This typically is through the ears due to the construction of our skulls. The ideas are excreted, but once they have escaped the hermetically sealed catch bin of our mind, they congeal into three types of earwax: the wet and gooey kind, the hard and crunchy kind, and the white flaky kind. These represent thoughts (wet and gooey), ideas (hard and crunchy) and memories (white flaky).

Maybe when you are a world famous scientist you can develop a manner for reconstituting them so that we can make sure they don't get lost forever as I'm sure many a great and useful idea has been lost so that a guy can remember all the latest baseball stats. I've tried eating some to see if it worked out but it tastes terrible and the only memory it seemed to regenerate is that I tried this process before and it tasted just as horrible then too.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


That's not a question! That's just a flesh wound! Send your questions about the Black Knight to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click uselessadvice@hotmail.com">here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.