1. When visiting people who have live Christmas trees, sneak some chemical cleaners into the trees water. My favorite to use is ammonia! This makes the needles look all crisp and shiny as they lay all over the carpet. Plus, they don't need to water their christmas tree nearly as much as they used to, if at all. Always lend a helping hand during the holiday season.
2. Spread the Christmas cheer by taking presents to your local orphanage. Instead of buying lots of expensive gifts, just invest in a few pounds of coal. Don't worry, everything looks nicer gift-wrapped with a bow. Don't forget to personalize each gift with a note: "Santa knows you've been naughty...this is why your parents left you!"
Gives the little tykes something to think over while they eagerly await the next Christmas. Its also a great way to feel good about yourself by giving to those individuals who are less fortunate than you.
3. Whenever you're at work or at someone's house and they're playing Christmas music, replace their CD wth one of your own. Marilyn Manson, the best of John Denver, KennyG, or David Hasselhoff are all good choices.
Be sure to super glue the plug into the wall and the CD tray shut. Then turn the volume to max, break off all the knobs and run away. If the power button is a push button, super glue something over the button so they can't shut it off. This is a great way to show that you appreciate their choice in music and would like to share some of your own in return.
4. If you're somewhere that is playing Christmas music, and you don't have access to their CD player, get into the Christmas spirit and sing along...at the top of your lungs. If you don't know the words, that's okay! I always make up my own lyrics. "Deck the ho's with balls so smelly, Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck." Everyone will appreciate you being in the Christmas spirit and spreading the cheer. I find this is a wonderful approach at nursing homes and elementary schools.
5. Those Salvation Army bell ringers are doing such wonderful work, but listening to that bell ring all day cannot be good for the ears. While they're taking their lunch breaks, I like to help them out. All you have to do, is remove the little clapper from inside of their bell and they can ring and ring and ring all day long without any worries about hearing damage. For those younger bell ringers whose ears are in top order, there is still the risk of carpal tunnel syndrome. To save them from this debilitating condition, simply shove their little bell right up their ass. Now they can hop around or simply jiggle to ring to their hearts content, without the repetitive hand and wrist movements.
6. Volunteer to play Santa at your local mall. After the children tell you everything they want for Christmas, let loose with a merry Ho ho ho. Then, in your most jovial Santa voice, tell them that on Christmas Night, you are going to sneak into their homes and murder their families, because they are such greedy, spoiled children. They'll learn to appreciate their families and the true meaning of Christmas, instead of all the materialistic facets of the holiday. Here are some pictures I took last year:
There's nothing quite like the smile of a child, to warm your heart and soul.
7. Your pets and neighborhood animals shouldn't be left out of the celebrations. Attach some reindeer antlers to your animals heads. If they don't want to stay on, just use a hot glue gun or a staple gun and the antlers will stick tight no matter how much of a struggle your pet puts up.
8. Decorate a perfect stranger's yard with a wintery snowman. To add extra support to your snowman, kill a homeless person and build your snowman around them. This serves two purposes: 1) it adds strength to your creation giving it added longevity and 2) there's one less homeless person on the streets. Nobody likes getting depressed at the sight of poor people during the holidays.
9. Show your friends you care by giving them a gift that's both fresh and good for you: fish! They'll know you really care, when you arrive with their Christmas presents wrapped and ready to put under the tree...at Thanksgiving dinner; only someone who really, really cares has their presents picked out and ready that far in advance. You'll feel secure knowing that you'll be giving them the gift of health, as well as adding a little mystery to their life as they try to figure out where the unbearable, fucking stink is coming from around mid-December.
Merry fucking Christmas everybody!
I hope by now, everyone knows not to take me too seriously....just in case. This blog was written for humor only and should not be taken seriously. For future reference, anything I say should never be taken seriously. I also keep coming up with new, horrible ideas so check back to see if anything new has been added. Hope you liked it!
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