Things I Learned about Dating from my Mom

I have a very interesting mom.   She gives particularly interesting dating advice.   Here are the things I've learned (good and bad) about dating from my mom, along with my evaluation of her advice.    Sometimes, her advice is conflicting, but it's been given across a number of years so philosophies evolve.  

1.  It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man.  (said when I was 22)

Verdict:  Not true.  It's impossible to make yourself fall in love with anyone, even occasionally rich, kind, hotties.  

2.  Maybe the person who can keep you interested doesn't look perfect 'on paper' (said when I was 32). 

Verdict:  Very possibly true.  I haven't fully explored this one yet.  I tend to be attracted to the good on paper types.   However, I think there is to some degree a link between security and boredom that I don't fully understand. 

2.  In every relationship, there is one person who cares more about the relationship.  You don't want to be that person.   (said when I was 25)

Verdict:  This is my least favorite of all my mom's advice.  I think that relationships should be as balanced as possible and feel like neither person is very happy when it's not.   

3.   It's best not to get horribly drunk on dates.   A horribly drunk woman is not attractive.  (repeated repeatedly)

Verdict:  Meh.  I've tested this one out a few times.  I do think that getting horribly drunk on dates has caused me to make different decisions than had I not been horribly drunk.  However, none of these decisions ever came back to bite me in the a** so that's probably why.    Also, sometimes it's not possible to survive a date without being horribly drunk.   

4.   You shouldn't need to date someone for longer than 18 months before you know if you want to get married. (said frequently after age 27) 

Verdict:  Not true for everyone, possibly true for me.  I tend to date people for much longer than is productive for either of us.  As a side note, I don't think that you should need to get married, but framing it in those terms has a nice way of putting things in perspective.  If it sounds horrible, you're probably not going to end up together.  

5.  You can tell everything about how someone feels about you from the presents they get you for holidays.  (age 18)

Verdict:  This was originally said to me after my high school boyfriend got me a pair of flannel pajamas for Christmas . She took one look at them and said, 'it's over'.   She was dead on on that one.   By extension, she feels that there are certain gifts that are romantic (trips, jewelry) and all the other gifts are classified as not romantic and are an indication that your relationship is off course.    That part is a little tougher to evaluate since it goes along with a time when women didn't work and therefore didn't buy their own stuff, thereby measuring their own value by the monetary size of the gifts they were given.  I do think that what you exchange as presents on holidays says something about your relationship, though.  

6.  It is possible to date someone non-exclusively for a reasonable period of time.    You prolong dating someone exclusively as long as possible.  (said to me at age 27) 

Verdict:   I disagree on this one.  I think it's pretty difficult to date someone for any length of time without having sex (and then exclusivity) come into the conversation.   I don't think this is always great, because you can jump into relationships quicker than you should, but it's really really difficult to avoid.   

7.  If something bothers you about a person in the beginning of a relationship, it will only continue to bother you more as time passes.  If you end up with this person over the long haul,  these things will drive you crazy. (said to me at age 18)   

Verdict:  True.  I once got into a fight on the second date with someone but figured maybe we had an off night.  should have gone with my first instinct.  

8.  All the good ones are taken by age 25.  (said to me at 26 and repeated daily until age 28 at which point she retired defeated).  

Verdict:   False.  I've met lots of interesting single people over the age of 25.  They might not be free of quirks but they tend to be pretty entertaining.  Also, thanks to the divorce rate being exceptionally high for young marriages, half of the 'good ones' cycle back onto the market by age 30.   A little therapy, and most of them are good as new. 

9.  Go out with everybody who asks you.  You're not marrying them, you're just going out on dates.  (said to me at age 22)

Verdict:   Spot on, mom!  This was great advice.   Dates are fun even when they aren't fun because then you can tell the stories from them to all your friends.   

10.  Don't be so concerned about what people are thinking of you.  They're way too busy worrying about what you're thinking of them.  (said to me when I was 14 and traumatized by the scenario that people were pointing and laughing at my undateableness behind my back)  

Verdict:   Another good one, not only for dating but for lots of things.