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I have been receiving a lot of questions; questions along the lines of, “What do I do if the boy I’m sleeping with pukes on me?” or “How do I maintain a stable relationship?” But I am going to be a naughty advice columnist and ignore those for now (sorry ladies), and give you a little advice about bras.
I do not care if you buy your bras from Victoria Secret or Wal-Mart, but please, on my behalf do not purchase the self-adhesive strapless bras. If you do buy them, prepare yourself for ultimate humiliation, and personally I think they look just like chicken cutlets. So here is my beef with the chicken cutlets.
After a strenuous week of school work, the girls and I hit up a club. Now, the dress that I was wearing could not be worn with a regular strap bra, so I had to refer to my stick-on adhesive chicken cutlets.
We eventually get to the club, and we are having a spectacular time, and I am of course dancing away like a diva on the dance floor. People are everywhere and the place is jam packed. All of a sudden one of the cutlets falls to my belly button, and then the other shortly follows. I throw my hands to my chest and check the room to see if anyone is looking, and of course a dozen people saw. Just my luck.
Now, I have 2 choices. One; leave the dancing slash lose my girlfriends and two; ditch the cutlets. Option two sounded better. There I am, trying to act all nonchalantly as I released the cutlets from my pretentious grip, and they drop to the floor, falling down my dress. However, I am stuck in a pickle again because there are these 2 cutlets on the dance floor and they are bright. I mean, they stuck out. If you saw them on the floor you would be like damn, who is roasting a chicken tonight?
I blame the dirty deed on my BCBG shoes and kick them to the side, and then grab my girlfriends hand and drag her away from the crime scene. Just as I kick them away from me, I catch this man staring at me. I almost died (and let’s get one thing straight, these things ARE NOT easy to kick away. They stuck to the floor every time they rolled over. And to make it worse, they jiggled like jell-o). I stare at him for a good minute and mouth, "Don't you even dare tell." He then looks down and the cutlets are right by his feet. I made a quick dash to the other side of the room.
I am just dying to see the reaction of the janitor when he gets a load of those. Hopefully he doesn't try and feed his family with them, because he'll be eating a big roast of fake titties.
So my advice to all of you ladies who like to go out and wear strapless adhesive bras, please don’t or you will be living my chicken cutlet nightmare all over again.
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Leave a Comment
ousili at 10:29am on Feb. 1, 2008
3 months ago
that is hilarious. chicken cutlets?? are they really called that?? i must be outta the loop Reply...
pengfree at 11:39pm on Mar. 12, 2008
We actually call the 'little added extra' that some women need in a normal bra 'chicken cutlets' I've never heard the stick on strapless ones called that! And I can just imagine how hard it must have been to try to kick them out of the way! Reply...
stinsonamanda at 7:48pm on Feb. 19, 2008
4 months ago
OMG! So funny! I always wondered if those things were worth trying...I won't bother trying...you should release a public service announcement to warn all women not to bother with the cutlets... Reply...
David at 8:12am on Feb. 12, 2008
4 months ago
Great line: "Here is my beef with the chicken cutlets." LOL Reply...
JD Ross at 4:17pm on Feb. 7, 2008
4 months ago
that's hilarious! I assume you're recommending going strapless non-stickon? Bra-less doesn't seem like it would be too comfortable Reply...
gillianmaffeo at 5:18pm on Feb. 7, 2008
obviously...or nothing... Reply...
Adam Durfee at 9:54am on Feb. 6, 2008
4 months ago
I emailed this to my wife yesterday. Last night she was laughing really hard and I couldn't figure out what was going on until she blurted out "chicken cutlets!". The next morning the janitors probably sweep up a small pile of cutlets from various people. Seems like something interesting always happens when clubbing. Reply...
SquarePants at 11:26pm on Feb. 1, 2008
5 months ago
This story cracked me up. You mean some guy didn't take advantage of your embarrassment to play a sympathy game on you? I didn't know they sold inserts covered with batter and flakes. That can't be comfortable. Maybe the wrong recipe. Reply...
gillian maffeo at 11:00am on Feb. 1, 2008
5 months ago
FYI...this is NOT how to get laid unless there is someone out there that thinks you are a poor, helpless soul, and feels so sorry for you because your fake adhesive titties popped out. So maybe you could use this as a tactic to pawn men in.... Reply...
gillian maffeo at 10:57am on Feb. 1, 2008
5 months ago
no but they look just like chicken cutlets.... Reply...
lb at 9:45am on Feb. 1, 2008
5 months ago
that is the truth... Reply...
David at 7:41am on Feb. 1, 2008
5 months ago
LOL. Reply...