2008-02-19T13:47:29-08:00
9162
5908
8080
1
2008-02-19T14:34:15-08:00
4849
2008-02-19T14:23:16-08:00
20773
5908
1
9162
1
2008-02-19T14:34:15-08:00
2008-02-19T13:47:29-08:00
<p style="font-style: italic;">Let's face it, the man's a genius. As human beings constantly striving for perfection, we can learn a lot from his laid-back approach to life, work, family, friends, religion, and most importantly, alcohol. Here are some indispensable pearls of wisdom from the guru himself: </p><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."</span></li></ul><p><br></p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3"></span><span class="size_3">"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.</span></li></ul><p><br></p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To
Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to
kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of
his skin…but what good does *that* do me?"</span><span class="size_3"></span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!"</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!"</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity!"</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Trying is the first step towards failure."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on." </span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Nevermind."</span></li></ul><p> </p><ul><li><span class="size_3">"Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk!"</span></li></ul><p> </p><p style="font-style: italic;"> D'oh!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
20774
5908
3
9162
1
2008-02-20T10:30:21-08:00
4850
2008-02-19T14:25:19-08:00
20775
5908
5
9162
2
2008-02-19T14:34:15-08:00
4852
2008-02-19T14:32:38-08:00
20776
5908
6
9162
2
2008-02-19T14:34:15-08:00