Homer Simpson's 19 Points to Success

Let's face it, the man's a genius.  As human beings constantly striving for perfection, we can learn a lot from his laid-back approach to life, work, family, friends, religion, and most importantly, alcohol.  Here are some indispensable pearls of wisdom from the guru himself:

• "You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."

• "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel."

• "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

• "Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?"

• "Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.

• "When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!"

• "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

• "Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

• "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!"

• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."

• "You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity!"

• "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

• "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get."

• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

• "Trying is the first step towards failure."

• "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on." 

• "Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."

• "What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Nevermind."

• "Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk!"

 D'oh!